I Think I’m Beginning to Understand

I’ve been trying to understand myself for years … since the beginning of time. Well, since 1982 anyway. Why the depression hits when it does. Why I have immense anxiety and dread. Why I struggle in this Aspie body. I think I am finally beginning to get it. Maybe.

Changes, any change, lead to inevitable depression. Sometimes, that depression is deep, and sometimes it’s shallow. In other words, sometimes I can climb out fairly quickly and other times, not so much.

Suppose I know when a change is about to happen, e.g. a long trip on which I’m about to embark. The question I always ask myself is, “why can’t I just let this happen? Why am I always cringing way before its happening?” I spend the time worrying and then beating myself up because I’m worrying. It’s a vicious cycle.

Suppose something unexpected happens, e.g. my small son wakes up before I anticipated. My whole day is goofy. It takes me awhile to recuperate after an unexpected change, great or small. I worry about my day. How the rest of the day will go. Will everything be thrown off as well? How will I cope if something else -unexpected- pops up?

I know how I will react to stimuli, I just don’t know how to cope. Maybe I don’t have figured myself out as much as I thought.


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