Me, the over-thinker.

Thinking is a great way to pass the time. Using your imagination. Envisioning. Dreaming. But, there is such a thing as thinking too much. This, I do. Actually, to be more accurate, I over-think. Sometimes, I think so hard my head hurts. Okay, not really. Close enough though.

I remember this one time, when I was in junior high band, I did some serious over-thinking. We would have chair try-outs every Friday. Okay, regular routine thing, right? Nothing different there. Nothing unexpected. Oh, but not this one day. I had practiced so incredibly hard on the piece for tryouts. One could say I slaved over it. I worked and worked to perfect my playing. When Friday came, I felt confident in my performance. My confidence was short-lived.

When placements, the earned chair, was determined, I found that I had, in fact, tied for a particular chair. Now, tying for a chair was a pretty big deal. Suddenly, my stress level shot through the roof. My hands became shaky and clammy, and my throat, dry. What was soaring confidence became crashing doubt. I doubted my skill, my craft. I knew I would not win the tie-breaker. I just knew it.

And so, on that overly thinky day, I lost that tie-breaker. I later learned from my instructor that I could have easily won. In fact, I should have won. He expected me to win. I allowed my self-doubt and anxiety to cloud my judgement, lost the ability to think straight.

I did continue to play in the band, going on to high school and playing in the marching band my freshman year. Unfortunately, I never did regain my confidence in playing my instrument, always thinking back to the moment when I lost the tie-breaker. I could have challenged that person … I could have battled for the chair that could have been mine. I’m sure you’re wondering why didn’t I? Why didn’t I even try? I didn’t try, because I felt that I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve to win. What a crippling thought. And it was. It really was crippling.

I spent a good portion of my life thinking, questioning. I question all of my actions and thoughts. Did I do the right thing? Did I say the right thing? Replaying past deeds over and over and over. Many days, I am overwhelmed with doubt and anxiety. Absolutely overtaken. And then, ever so often, I have a good day. A day when I am victorious. A day when I triumph over my doubts and anxiety, when I am not trodden beneath their heavy feet. And, let me tell you, though they may be far and few in between, those days I am free.

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2 thoughts on “Me, the over-thinker.”

  1. I am 54, I excel in the arts, painting, drawing, designing etc. I feel exactly the same way as you, I over think to the point that I see my art work as if it has taken on a new life and has transformed before my very eyes into a hideous piece of poop. I have found that the inner fears of being judged are the cause of this- and I have also learned to put the piece away when not working on it so my mind wont distort it..it’s fine when I come back to it after a few days pass. I am trying to forge ahead with my ideas, instead of allowing fear and overthinking ruin my dreams, this is a new way for me to be. You are not alone in this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think that is a definite aspie trait. We think and rethink and then think again. I wonder if it is because of our past experiences. How many times have you thought you said the ‘right’ thing only to find out it was wrong? It makes us constantly second guess ourselves.

    I think it is so much harder for us because we know that *we* are the ones who are different. People never fail to let us know this. When you are always told you are different or odd, it makes it hard to have confidence in yourself. It makes it difficult to feel strong enough to challenge others. Even as an adult, I still struggle with this.

    I say we should celebrate our thinky-thinki-ness. I think it makes us overly compassionate. ❤ Now..if only we were as compassionate to ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

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